Monday, February 28, 2011

F*cking Spin Class

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Those that are close to me know that I love to cook. And if I do say so myself, I think I am a pretty good cook. I presume the reason for this is my filthy, lustful, adulterous relationship with eating.

That said, what do one stick of butter, one pound of pasta, one pound of sharp cheddar cheese, one can of condensed milk, and a splash of white wine have in common? Well, they are the key ingredients in my super awesome macaroni and cheese recipe. It is good. REALLY good. Most of you probably just gained a few pounds reading about it.

With a few family members feeling under the weather, I made a great big batch of it this weekend. I made some for my brother-in-law’s family, and some for my wife, and some for my baby girl. And I didn’t eat any of it. None. And it hurt. I think a little water boarding would have felt a better. I hate being on a stupid diet.

I figure after 5 blog entries of avoiding discussion about actually doing some training, I should finally get off my massive rear and get going. It’s not like I haven’t done anything at all – I had been spending minimal time on the indoor trainer. I also walk to the kitchen every single morning. And to my car. That kind of counts, right?

Yes, I have been a little lazy on getting going, but to be honest, I spent about a month fighting a cold. Having a child in daycare can really do a number on the immune system for everyone in the house.

Today, I finally got out for my first spin class of the year (you can read about my very first spin experience here). After I got up at 7:00am this morning courtesy of a 19 lb. poop machine that lives down the hall, I headed to a packed class at the Oakville YMCA, where I was easily the youngest, and fattest, spinner in the room. Hmph. This isn’t going to be good…

And it wasn’t. I was feeling good to begin with, but then really hit a wall at about the 15 minute mark, which is a tad early in a 60 minute class. I kept on pushing through, until I really had trouble starting to breath. A long held asthma condition reared its ugly head for the first time in years during my cold, so it was a good thing I had my inhaler with me. Unfortunately, they take a minute to two to kick-in. So while I waited, my mind started to wander…

I have always had this crazy fantasy of being in a rock band. Ever since I was in high school, I would every now and then come up with a band name, and band members, and a play list for our first big show, usually at the Horseshoe Tavern, or Massey Hall in Toronto. The band name I usually steal from whatever band I am listening to at the moment - right now it is Chicago-based band OK GO.

The band members are friends of mine, regardless of what musical talents they actually have. Right now, my drummer is my buddy Greg, who I met at business school. I don’t know if Greg plays the drums, but if he did, I am sure he would just beat them senseless. My old roommate Armen would play guitar, and share lead singing duties with me. Armen and I always had similar taste in music. My friend Heather would the bass player, and also sing. Honestly, is there anything hotter than a female bass player? Of course not. Finally, her husband Aaron would play keyboard, at Heather’s insistence, so he had people to hang out with.


I would be lead singer (god help us all), really animated on stage, with all these crazy facial expressions for each song. I would change the lyrics to our songs during live shows to reflect current events, and would sweat buckets dancing around during the entire set. We would open our shows with Sloan’s “The Good in Everyone.” Armen would start the song on stage by himself playing the intro over and over again, until the rest of us would finally join him just in time to start the rest of the song in unison (like in the song’s video). During the course of the show, we would play some Modest Mouse, OK GO, Arcade Fire, Ben Kweller, Foo Fighters, Ben Harper, Stars, Sarah Harmer, Feist, and more Sloan. Finally, we would close out the show with “Don’t Look Back in Anger,” by Oasis. Somewhere in there, I would come out on my own for an acoustic encore, covering the Beatle’s “Across the Universe” (Notice that I would “cover” a Beatles song – all the others would be my own creations, of course)...

Okay, I think I am going to throw up. I can’t feel my legs, and I think I might actually black out. Then suddenly, I am able to take longer, deeper breaths. I check the clock and there is still a good 20 minutes to go in the class. I kind of keep my head down, and slow down my pace, refusing to make eye contact with the instructor. But I know how these guys work. They can smell failure. I could sense him shaking his head at me.

So clearly, I have a long way to go to be ready for the ride in June. I am going to have to hit the trainer with a little more regularity, and do more and more of these stupid f*cking spin classes.

Excuse the language. I watched the Oscars tonight and got a little inspired.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Fat Day

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If you are not a fat person, there are two things you should know:

1. I hate you and everything you stand for; and
2. Fat people often suffer from “Fat Days”.

What is a fat day, you ask? It is when something happens during your day to make you realize how fat and disgusting you really are. I know it sounds silly and frivolous, but it is not. I have them all the time, and though I don’t think I show it to those around me, it is usually quite depressing.

How do you know you are having a fat day? There are lots of indicators, and many ways to try and mitigate the effects. Here are a few triggers for me…

  • Putting on the wrong outfit in the morning can really set the tone for the day. You pick out something to wear because you think the combination would really go well together. Everything is fine until you take a look in the mirror, and suddenly, you want to crawl back into bed and close the curtains. You really know it is one of those days when you end up missing your train because you have had to try on at least two more shirts and/or pants before heading out, and you go out of your way to avoid looking in the mirror when washing your hands in the bathroom.

  • The sound “zip-zop”. That is the sound of your pant legs rubbing together at your inner thigh as you walk around the office. You can’t help but think that if your thighs just weren’t so goddamn thick, then maybe everyone a thirty foot radius wouldn’t be able to hear you coming down the hall. It doesn’t matter that it only happens when I wear my favourite pair of brown cotton pants (my favourite, ironically, because I think I look thin in them), I always end up trying to walk with my legs slightly a part, as if my underwear is wedged firmly between the cheeks, hoping it will make me silent and invisible. Of course, it does neither.

  • Having lunch at my desk. I often think that I am too busy to join my colleagues or friends for lunch when I am at work. But really, I just don’t want people to watch me eat, or to see what I am eating. I don’t often eat things that are really unhealthy, I don’t think I eat way more than everyone else, and I don’t eat like a slob. But I don’t want anyone to think that I do any of those things, so sometimes, it is just easier to eat in my office while reading the newspaper.

  • Having friends and family that are good looking tends to create massive insecurities as well, though that is not restricted to triggering a fat day, just a fat life. For example, all my gorgeous wife’s friends are equally gorgeous, and their husbands are gorgeous, which makes me thankful that my wife can take joke. Irrational? Yes. Does that matter? Hell no.

These coping mechanisms help you get through the day, but overcoming years of rotund-ness is harder than you would think. Since I started my diet plan on January 17th, I have lost almost 10 pounds. Not a bad achievement in less than a month, but I don’t feel or look any different. I wouldn’t have even known if I didn’t own a scale and wasn’t hungry all the time.

How will I know when I have finally lost enough weight to be content. Through the purchase of skinny jeans, of course. And being able to put them on. Without help. And not feel the need to change into something else.

Do you have a fat day story? Please feel free to share in the comments section, anonymously of course. I am the only idiot that puts my name on this stuff.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Roster Change

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Many of my faithful readers will remember that last year, I had a training partner for my Ride preparation. My friend Aaron agreed to join this fat man in his journey from Toronto to Niagara, but not before helping me train for the adventure for the 6 months prior to the ride.

You may recall that Aaron was consistently on the receiving end of my wrath on this blog last year, but he is a great friend, and we had an awesome time training, and completing the ride together. We were pretty much side by side when I crossed that finish line last year, one of the best moments of my life, and for that Aaron will always have a spot in my heart.

Except now, he is dead to me.

You see Aaron has decided that I am too fat to hang out with and train with. He will not be taking part in this year’s ride. And while his contribution to the cause of over $2,500 in fundraising last year was great, he is clearly a massive sell out.

We had entered into intense negotiations to renew our partnership, but he was ruthless. It even went to arbitration, but he got really nasty at the hearing, telling the mediator that I was, in his words, “Ultra Fat,” and accused me of filling my water bottles with honey mustard sauce instead of Gatorade.

Apparently, that (sort of) lying bastard has decided to take part in some crazy 100km, 24 hour running relay in Alberta. Lame. He has also decided to try and spend more time with his beautiful new baby daughter. Even Lamer.

Alas, I would like to take the opportunity to introduce my most significant free agent signing of the millennium: My buddy Joe Bilton. Joe is a great guy, and has an interesting background:

- He is a mechanical engineer-turned-high school teacher;
- He hails from a small town just outside Kingston;
- He has 8 brothers and sisters;
- He is often known to consume more than 5,000 calories in a day, and still lose 6 pounds; and
- We have discovered that drinking half a bottle of Crown Royal makes him “angry”.

Joes is also a very experienced cyclist, and has participated in a number of triathlons, including a half-Iron Man. We have been friends for a long time, ever since he met my wife’s best friend Carolyn about 10 years ago and never looked back.

We won’t really get training together until the spring, as Joe lives way out in Bradford, but I am looking forward to it. And frankly, as you can tell from the following tale of the tape, he is in a much better position to help me prepare for the ride than Aaron ever was:

Weight: Joe – 200lbs, Aaron – 84lbs
Height: Joe – 6 ft, Aaron – 14ft
Bicep: Joe – 16 inches, Aaron – 16 cm
Hair Coverage: Joe- a very aerodynamic 14%, Aaron – You can only see his eyes

Accordingly, I have added a link to Joe’s Conquer Cancer personal donation site at the top right of this page. Feel free to donate to either of us, or more accurately, me only.

Welcome to the team, Joe!