Sunday, February 6, 2011

Roster Change


Many of my faithful readers will remember that last year, I had a training partner for my Ride preparation. My friend Aaron agreed to join this fat man in his journey from Toronto to Niagara, but not before helping me train for the adventure for the 6 months prior to the ride.

You may recall that Aaron was consistently on the receiving end of my wrath on this blog last year, but he is a great friend, and we had an awesome time training, and completing the ride together. We were pretty much side by side when I crossed that finish line last year, one of the best moments of my life, and for that Aaron will always have a spot in my heart.

Except now, he is dead to me.

You see Aaron has decided that I am too fat to hang out with and train with. He will not be taking part in this year’s ride. And while his contribution to the cause of over $2,500 in fundraising last year was great, he is clearly a massive sell out.

We had entered into intense negotiations to renew our partnership, but he was ruthless. It even went to arbitration, but he got really nasty at the hearing, telling the mediator that I was, in his words, “Ultra Fat,” and accused me of filling my water bottles with honey mustard sauce instead of Gatorade.

Apparently, that (sort of) lying bastard has decided to take part in some crazy 100km, 24 hour running relay in Alberta. Lame. He has also decided to try and spend more time with his beautiful new baby daughter. Even Lamer.

Alas, I would like to take the opportunity to introduce my most significant free agent signing of the millennium: My buddy Joe Bilton. Joe is a great guy, and has an interesting background:

- He is a mechanical engineer-turned-high school teacher;
- He hails from a small town just outside Kingston;
- He has 8 brothers and sisters;
- He is often known to consume more than 5,000 calories in a day, and still lose 6 pounds; and
- We have discovered that drinking half a bottle of Crown Royal makes him “angry”.

Joes is also a very experienced cyclist, and has participated in a number of triathlons, including a half-Iron Man. We have been friends for a long time, ever since he met my wife’s best friend Carolyn about 10 years ago and never looked back.

We won’t really get training together until the spring, as Joe lives way out in Bradford, but I am looking forward to it. And frankly, as you can tell from the following tale of the tape, he is in a much better position to help me prepare for the ride than Aaron ever was:

Weight: Joe – 200lbs, Aaron – 84lbs
Height: Joe – 6 ft, Aaron – 14ft
Bicep: Joe – 16 inches, Aaron – 16 cm
Hair Coverage: Joe- a very aerodynamic 14%, Aaron – You can only see his eyes

Accordingly, I have added a link to Joe’s Conquer Cancer personal donation site at the top right of this page. Feel free to donate to either of us, or more accurately, me only.

Welcome to the team, Joe!

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