Fat Day

If you are not a fat person, there are two things you should know:

1. I hate you and everything you stand for; and
2. Fat people often suffer from “Fat Days”.

What is a fat day, you ask? It is when something happens during your day to make you realize how fat and disgusting you really are. I know it sounds silly and frivolous, but it is not. I have them all the time, and though I don’t think I show it to those around me, it is usually quite depressing.

How do you know you are having a fat day? There are lots of indicators, and many ways to try and mitigate the effects. Here are a few triggers for me…

• Putting on the wrong outfit in the morning can really set the tone for the day. You pick out something to wear because you think the combination would really go well together. Everything is fine until you take a look in the mirror, and suddenly, you want to crawl back into bed and close the curtains. You really know it is one of those days when you end up missing your train because you have had to try on at least two more shirts and/or pants before heading out, and you go out of your way to avoid looking in the mirror when washing your hands in the bathroom.
  

• The sound “zip-zop”. That is the sound of your pant legs rubbing together at your inner thigh as you walk around the office. You can’t help but think that if your thighs just weren’t so goddamn thick, then maybe everyone a thirty foot radius wouldn’t be able to hear you coming down the hall. It doesn’t matter that it only happens when I wear my favourite pair of brown cotton pants (my favourite, ironically, because I think I look thin in them), I always end up trying to walk with my legs slightly a part, as if my underwear is wedged firmly between the cheeks, hoping it will make me silent and invisible. Of course, it does neither.

• Having lunch at my desk. I often think that I am too busy to join my colleagues or friends for lunch when I am at work. But really, I just don’t want people to watch me eat, or to see what I am eating. I don’t often eat things that are really unhealthy, I don’t think I eat way more than everyone else, and I don’t eat like a slob. But I don’t want anyone to think that I do any of those things, so sometimes, it is just easier to eat in my office while reading the newspaper.

• Having friends and family that are good looking tends to create massive insecurities as well, though that is not restricted to triggering a fat day, just a fat life. For example, all my gorgeous wife’s friends are equally gorgeous, and their husbands are gorgeous, which makes me thankful that my wife can take joke. Irrational? Yes. Does that matter? Hell no.

These coping mechanisms help you get through the day, but overcoming years of rotund-ness is harder than you would think. Since I started my diet plan on January 17th, I have lost almost 10 pounds. Not a bad achievement in less than a month, but I don’t feel or look any different. I wouldn’t have even known if I didn’t own a scale and wasn’t hungry all the time.

How will I know when I have finally lost enough weight to be content. Through the purchase of skinny jeans, of course. And being able to put them on. Without help. And not feel the need to change into something else.

Do you have a fat day story? Please feel free to share in the comments section, anonymously of course. I am the only idiot that puts my name on this stuff.